Sleeping with Chemo

Sleeping with Chemo

James 1:2-4

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sister, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything”

When I got married nearly 15 years ago I never expected to one day be sharing the bed with a pump full of chemo. When I said “I do” I envisioned children, vacations, a thriving career and the white picket fence. At age 24 I thought I knew what was ahead. I thought I could plan each year out and settle into a marriage and life that would become what I dreamed.

In many ways it is what I dreamed. I have the family I always wanted. I may not have the vacations, thriving career or white picket fence but I have more than that. I have faith, I have truly lived the vow of “In sickness and in Health” and have learned to push through even the hardest trials.

I have recently been spending a lot of time thinking and meditating on what it means to consider trials pure joy. Pure joy is not something that comes naturally to me while facing a trial. It is something I put into practice every day. When I hear the swishing of the chemo pump in my bed it is hard to say “ Thank you God, I consider this pure joy that my husband is being injected with poison” But, as I know, I must once again take every thought captive and know that God is working all things together for good.

I do take comfort in knowing that the testing of my faith is producing perseverance. I have always loved the word perseverance. The definition is “continued effort to do or achieve something despite difficulties, failure, or opposition” So when we are in the midst of our trials, our storms we can continue on despite our opposition. Your opposition today may not be cancer, but if you are human I am pretty sure that today wherever you are, whatever you are doing you are facing something in which you can choose to persevere. I look at it like this, I have two choices, I can persevere or I can shrink down into the fetal position and become inept to do anything.

Perseverance needs to finish its work. It needs to help us become mature and complete, lacking nothing. To me that is a big enough reason to persevere. God promises that through our trials if we persevere He will give us the gift of lacking nothing. Our faith becomes stronger when we persevere. All the storms and trials are molding us into what we are created to be. Sometimes we have to push through the pain for God to show us our purpose. I cling to the fact that God wastes nothing and He makes beauty out of ashes.

Today, tomorrow and in the future, with God’s help I will persevere. When I am weak He is strong. When I go through the fire He refines in a way that only He can and I come out stronger than I could have ever thought. He helps me press on, press in and trust in His beautiful process.

Let the Why Die

Let the Why Die

Proverbs 3:5

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.”

I used to constantly ask “Why God?” Why was the first thing on my mind when thinking about facing cancer and other trials. I used to contemplate the vast number of reasons this could be happening, but my heart could never settle on one that made sense. It was like I was in a constant prison of circling around and around the issue of why.

Finally, one day I realized that asking why would not solve the problem. Asking why would not help the situation. Asking why only frustrated me and I realized it was not showing trust in God. Even if I knew the reason for the suffering, how would that make it any better?

When I was able to let the why die I came into a new place of peace. I no longer spent wasted energy on the questions of why. I have learned to fully embrace trusting in God and not lean on my own understanding. My small human mind cannot come close to comprehending the vastness of Gods ways and plans. I see just a small picture of all that is really going on in my why’s. I am a tiny puzzle piece in the masterpiece that God is crafting together. I can either be a questioning, untrusting, whiny piece or I can trust God that He is placing me in the puzzle exactly where He needs me. I can fully rely on His infinite ways and fully trust Him to be a part of his beautiful puzzle.

There are days when the words why try to creep back into my mind. Again, I must take these thoughts captive and respond with “NO, I trust in the Lord with all of my heart and I don’t lean on my understanding.” Not asking why is a choice. Not wallowing in self-pity and pain is a choice. The best way to stay in peace is to make a decision before the attack happens that you will not let your mind go there. Be ready for the mental battle and decide today what words you will say in response to the why’s that daily try to creep in.

I may never know why disease, suffering and pain have come to my family. You may never know why you are experiencing your current trials, but we can rest peacefully each day as we release the why and trust in the wisdom and love of our creator.

Some Days I Just Can't

Some Days I Just Can’t

Philippians 4:13

“I can do ALL things through CHRIST who strengthens me.”

Some days I wake up and I just can’t. I can’t face the world. I can’t even get the energy to put my feet on the ground and keep on living. Some days the obstacles seem to big. Some days the suffering is too overwhelming. I just can’t. BUT, there is good news, when I can’t, Christ can. When I am weak, He is strong. When I can’t face the day, He can. When I don’t think I can take one more painful step, He can.

I have tried to face the day in my own strength. I have tried to push through the pain, to be independent and do it all. It doesn’t work. In a world that emphasizes the “I can do it myself, I am woman watch me roar” there is little room to let God become powerful in our weaknesses. I have been that woman. But being that woman creates a dependence on myself and not God’s infinite power. Who am I to think that I am wiser than God and can do things in my own strength? 

When I give myself over to God, mind, body and soul and truly let go of doing things in my strength He becomes my pillar, my rock, my advocate and gives me more power and peace to go on than any human, myself or those around me could ever come close to giving me.  Everyday He holds me up. He keeps me from drowning. He supplies all of my needs and gives me exactly what I need. Each day I pray for Manna. Manna is God giving me what I need when I need it. The manna comes from all different places, sometimes the places I least expect it, but it always comes.

My prayers do not fall on deaf ears. He hears it all. He sees each tear, he weeps with me and collects my tears in a bottle. He is for me not against me. On the days I just can’t He becomes my can. He walks me through the fires and leads me through the ashes. He takes the ashes and makes beauty. I see small pieces of beauty springing up even on the days I just can’t.
Our God is great, our God is good. When I just can’t He just can.

The Missing Piece of Peace

The Missing Piece of Peace

Philippians 4:5-6

“Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and minds in Christ Jesus.”

I have been walking through my trials as a daily roller coaster. Some days are good, full of peace and even a little joy. Other days I struggle to find peace anywhere. A few days ago I read Philippians 4:5-6 and I suddenly realized a key piece I was missing. I realized that even though I try to have joy I was missing the part about being thankful. My natural instinct is to be sad or overwhelmed over my current situation. But I must remember to give thanks. I cannot expect peace that transends all understanding without first giving thanks.

I cannot pray for peace without putting effort into being thankful. I have chosen to be thankful. I cannot control the trials going on in all directions around me, but I can control what I think about them. I can choose to be thankful. I have seen people of great faith whose first reaction when troubles hit is to give thanks. I want to be that person. In order to become that person I must make it a daily discipline to choose not only joy but thankfulness. I can be thankful because God has my best interests in mind and all the trials are here to make me a stronger person and move me into the place that God has called me to be.

Peace is a word used lightly, but to me it is my lifeline. Peace is defined as freedom from disturbance; quiet and tranquility. Those words permeate my soul as I realize this is what God wants for me. He graciously offers us peace, but we must do our part to be aware of our thoughts and be thankful, in return we are given indescribable peace. This peace is the peace that allows us to face our trials and storms without living in constant turmoil. God’s peace is a supernatural gift that He offers freely to us as a beautiful expression of His love.

Today I choose thankfulness. Today I choose to look at the trials as love from God. Today I choose to guard my mind, to protect my thoughts, and to accept God’s amazing gift of peace.