Sleeping with Chemo

Sleeping with Chemo

James 1:2-4

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sister, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything”

When I got married nearly 15 years ago I never expected to one day be sharing the bed with a pump full of chemo. When I said “I do” I envisioned children, vacations, a thriving career and the white picket fence. At age 24 I thought I knew what was ahead. I thought I could plan each year out and settle into a marriage and life that would become what I dreamed.

In many ways it is what I dreamed. I have the family I always wanted. I may not have the vacations, thriving career or white picket fence but I have more than that. I have faith, I have truly lived the vow of “In sickness and in Health” and have learned to push through even the hardest trials.

I have recently been spending a lot of time thinking and meditating on what it means to consider trials pure joy. Pure joy is not something that comes naturally to me while facing a trial. It is something I put into practice every day. When I hear the swishing of the chemo pump in my bed it is hard to say “ Thank you God, I consider this pure joy that my husband is being injected with poison” But, as I know, I must once again take every thought captive and know that God is working all things together for good.

I do take comfort in knowing that the testing of my faith is producing perseverance. I have always loved the word perseverance. The definition is “continued effort to do or achieve something despite difficulties, failure, or opposition” So when we are in the midst of our trials, our storms we can continue on despite our opposition. Your opposition today may not be cancer, but if you are human I am pretty sure that today wherever you are, whatever you are doing you are facing something in which you can choose to persevere. I look at it like this, I have two choices, I can persevere or I can shrink down into the fetal position and become inept to do anything.

Perseverance needs to finish its work. It needs to help us become mature and complete, lacking nothing. To me that is a big enough reason to persevere. God promises that through our trials if we persevere He will give us the gift of lacking nothing. Our faith becomes stronger when we persevere. All the storms and trials are molding us into what we are created to be. Sometimes we have to push through the pain for God to show us our purpose. I cling to the fact that God wastes nothing and He makes beauty out of ashes.

Today, tomorrow and in the future, with God’s help I will persevere. When I am weak He is strong. When I go through the fire He refines in a way that only He can and I come out stronger than I could have ever thought. He helps me press on, press in and trust in His beautiful process.

Let the Why Die

Let the Why Die

Proverbs 3:5

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.”

I used to constantly ask “Why God?” Why was the first thing on my mind when thinking about facing cancer and other trials. I used to contemplate the vast number of reasons this could be happening, but my heart could never settle on one that made sense. It was like I was in a constant prison of circling around and around the issue of why.

Finally, one day I realized that asking why would not solve the problem. Asking why would not help the situation. Asking why only frustrated me and I realized it was not showing trust in God. Even if I knew the reason for the suffering, how would that make it any better?

When I was able to let the why die I came into a new place of peace. I no longer spent wasted energy on the questions of why. I have learned to fully embrace trusting in God and not lean on my own understanding. My small human mind cannot come close to comprehending the vastness of Gods ways and plans. I see just a small picture of all that is really going on in my why’s. I am a tiny puzzle piece in the masterpiece that God is crafting together. I can either be a questioning, untrusting, whiny piece or I can trust God that He is placing me in the puzzle exactly where He needs me. I can fully rely on His infinite ways and fully trust Him to be a part of his beautiful puzzle.

There are days when the words why try to creep back into my mind. Again, I must take these thoughts captive and respond with “NO, I trust in the Lord with all of my heart and I don’t lean on my understanding.” Not asking why is a choice. Not wallowing in self-pity and pain is a choice. The best way to stay in peace is to make a decision before the attack happens that you will not let your mind go there. Be ready for the mental battle and decide today what words you will say in response to the why’s that daily try to creep in.

I may never know why disease, suffering and pain have come to my family. You may never know why you are experiencing your current trials, but we can rest peacefully each day as we release the why and trust in the wisdom and love of our creator.

Some Days I Just Can't

Some Days I Just Can’t

Philippians 4:13

“I can do ALL things through CHRIST who strengthens me.”

Some days I wake up and I just can’t. I can’t face the world. I can’t even get the energy to put my feet on the ground and keep on living. Some days the obstacles seem to big. Some days the suffering is too overwhelming. I just can’t. BUT, there is good news, when I can’t, Christ can. When I am weak, He is strong. When I can’t face the day, He can. When I don’t think I can take one more painful step, He can.

I have tried to face the day in my own strength. I have tried to push through the pain, to be independent and do it all. It doesn’t work. In a world that emphasizes the “I can do it myself, I am woman watch me roar” there is little room to let God become powerful in our weaknesses. I have been that woman. But being that woman creates a dependence on myself and not God’s infinite power. Who am I to think that I am wiser than God and can do things in my own strength? 

When I give myself over to God, mind, body and soul and truly let go of doing things in my strength He becomes my pillar, my rock, my advocate and gives me more power and peace to go on than any human, myself or those around me could ever come close to giving me.  Everyday He holds me up. He keeps me from drowning. He supplies all of my needs and gives me exactly what I need. Each day I pray for Manna. Manna is God giving me what I need when I need it. The manna comes from all different places, sometimes the places I least expect it, but it always comes.

My prayers do not fall on deaf ears. He hears it all. He sees each tear, he weeps with me and collects my tears in a bottle. He is for me not against me. On the days I just can’t He becomes my can. He walks me through the fires and leads me through the ashes. He takes the ashes and makes beauty. I see small pieces of beauty springing up even on the days I just can’t.
Our God is great, our God is good. When I just can’t He just can.

The Missing Piece of Peace

The Missing Piece of Peace

Philippians 4:5-6

“Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and minds in Christ Jesus.”

I have been walking through my trials as a daily roller coaster. Some days are good, full of peace and even a little joy. Other days I struggle to find peace anywhere. A few days ago I read Philippians 4:5-6 and I suddenly realized a key piece I was missing. I realized that even though I try to have joy I was missing the part about being thankful. My natural instinct is to be sad or overwhelmed over my current situation. But I must remember to give thanks. I cannot expect peace that transends all understanding without first giving thanks.

I cannot pray for peace without putting effort into being thankful. I have chosen to be thankful. I cannot control the trials going on in all directions around me, but I can control what I think about them. I can choose to be thankful. I have seen people of great faith whose first reaction when troubles hit is to give thanks. I want to be that person. In order to become that person I must make it a daily discipline to choose not only joy but thankfulness. I can be thankful because God has my best interests in mind and all the trials are here to make me a stronger person and move me into the place that God has called me to be.

Peace is a word used lightly, but to me it is my lifeline. Peace is defined as freedom from disturbance; quiet and tranquility. Those words permeate my soul as I realize this is what God wants for me. He graciously offers us peace, but we must do our part to be aware of our thoughts and be thankful, in return we are given indescribable peace. This peace is the peace that allows us to face our trials and storms without living in constant turmoil. God’s peace is a supernatural gift that He offers freely to us as a beautiful expression of His love.

Today I choose thankfulness. Today I choose to look at the trials as love from God. Today I choose to guard my mind, to protect my thoughts, and to accept God’s amazing gift of peace.

Grace

                                                             

Grace

 1 Corinthians 12:9

But he said to me “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

I was deep in prayer, in gut-wrenching, crying, pouring your heart out kind of prayer when these words came to my head. “My grace is sufficient for you, my grace is sufficient for you”. Those powerful words played over and over in my mind.
What does that even mean I wondered? Why did those words come into my thoughts? I looked up the verse and found the next part of the verse – “for my power is made perfect in weakness”. I realized that was what God was trying to show me, trying to show that though I am weak, weak down to my very core, my weakness is overtaken by His strength. By His strength, I am able to get out of bed. By His strength, I am able to face the day.  I also began to wonder what “His grace is sufficient for me” means. I looked up the definition of grace - the free and unmerited favor of God. WOW, God’s favor is enough for me. God gives me favor and becomes my strength. I become less so He can become more.
I let these words sink slowly into my soul. Let them take root into my current reality. Enveloping me with the warmth of the meaning, the love that our Father has for us. In the storms of life, how do we apply these words? We can accept them or continue in our own strength. I have tried to do things in my own strength before and I was crushed by the weight, unable to breathe, unable to fulfill God’s purpose in my life.
When we really understand that we can rest, we can be still, we can let him fight our battles it is then that we enter into a place of peace, a place of true rest. God goes before us and fights our battles and at the same time is pouring grace over us like a cool waterfall reaching into the intricate places that no human could ever reach. His grace and power are unmatched by anyone or anything.
There are times I am overwhelmed by the seemingly impossible situations I am facing, but I am now more overwhelmed, more overtaken by the vastness of God’s love for me.  We are never alone. He holds our hands and our hearts and carries us through the valleys. In my weakness, He is strong. Today, tomorrow and through our storms, we can rest in this promise.

Locking Up Those Thoughts

Locking Up Those Thoughts

2 Corinthians 10:5 (NIV)

"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."

What we focus on is a choice. I used to let my thoughts control me. My thoughts have always been my weakest point, the place where the enemy digs in so deep and so strongly that it used to debilitate me. One negative thought and my day would spiral downward. THAT was before I knew how to fight, that was before I realized that I control my thoughts, not my thoughts control me. That was before I learned what it really means to “take every thought captive to Christ”
Taking our thoughts captive isn’t just dismissing them. Think of what it means to take

something or someone captive. The definition of captive is “imprisoned or confined” SO think about this, if you were taking a thought captive would you just let it go? Would you just gently wave goodbye to it? NO, when you take a thought captive you imprison it, you confine it, you lock it up! You ask it where it came from and who sent it. You fight it with the word of God. Before I knew how to fight I would try in my own strength to rid myself of negative thoughts. I have now learned after taking it captive I say a verse that is the opposite of what I hear. For example, today during one of my lowest times I heard “Where is God now?” I took it captive and said, “God is for me and not against me, He works ALL things together for His good, He will never leave me or forsake me.”

Would you enter a battlefield without preparing? Would you walk into combat without your weapons? I used to try to battle my thoughts in my own strength, helpless without armor or weapons. I failed miserably every time. I now take time daily to prepare because I know that each day I enter a battlefield. I spend time with God and work on getting His words, His weapons in my mind so in times of battle He will bring them to me.

We are warriors. We are mighty. When we fight with God’s power, in His strength there is no battle that we cannot conquer. I am learning to embrace that there is nothing, absolutely nothing that He won’t be faithful to carry me through.

Be Still

Psalm 46:10

  Be still and know that I am God, I will be exalted among the Nations, I will be exalted in the earth.

Be still. 2 small words with a huge, powerful meaning. When the storms of life rage around you how do you remain still? When you feel like you could make things better when you feel like all you want to do is fix things, how do you remain still?

 For me remaining still is a matter of trusting God every day, every hour, every minute and every second. It means being still and not letting the worries of tomorrow fill my mind. It means training my mind to take every thought captive to Christ. This does not come naturally to me and it is something I work on every day. I have found recently that picking a few key verses to memorize in my time of stillness has been extremely helpful.

Being still means talking to God throughout the entire day, not just at meal times and bedtime. I have learned to talk to Him as a good friend, constantly sharing my struggles and triumphs. Many times a day I turn my storms back over to Him and trust Him that He will work ALL, not some but ALL things together for those that love him. (Romans 8:28)

 Being still is submitting to that still small voice that is asking you to wait, to trust, to wait on God’s perfect timing. Waiting is much easier said than done. Waiting can be one of the hardest things you have ever done. Waiting can drive you crazy, test you to your limits and at the same time mold you into the person that God is creating you to be.

 Do I like the waiting? Not at all, does the waiting create character? Yes. During the waiting, it is as if I am a caterpillar in the cocoon. I cannot see the changes happening to me, I do not know how long I will be in the dark, with no light in sight, but yet, I trust my creator for His timing. If I come out too early when I think I am ready, but my wings aren’t ready, I will fall to the ground and be unsuccessful in moving forward with my life. If I patiently wait until the creator has carefully crafted my wings, painting them in vibrant colors and building their strength I will come out of my cocoon with grace, strength, and beauty like I have never seen before. I will become what I was meant to be. I will know that because I have gone through trials, through storms that I thought I could never endure, the testing of my faith will produce perseverance. Perseverance will help me become complete and lack nothing. (James 1:3-4)

 The storms continue to rage all around me. Some days I feel as though I might drown, but I never do. Each time I begin to sink I see Jesus reaching out His hand to me, picking me up and He says to me “Trust me” I have 2 choices, I can continue flailing around in the water trying to do things in my own strength, gasping for air and nearly drowning or I can reach out my hand to Jesus and trust. Trust and be still. Trust that He knows with his infinite wisdom what is best for me. Be still as He goes behind the scenes and forms me into his beautiful creation

                               Be still, be still, be still.